


zChat

by SevenSnowflakes



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: 2000s nostalgia, F/M, Instant Messenger, Operation Impending Doom II
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25038238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SevenSnowflakes/pseuds/SevenSnowflakes
Summary: Invader Tay is excited for the opportunity to be a part of Operation Impending Doom II, and make the Tallest proud by conquering Earth. However, problems arise when she finds that another Irken has already beat her there. Dib makes a friend, and Tay must figure out how to proceed without compromising her mission. Much is discussed online in an instant messenger chatroom, and Dib shares the magic of Mindless Self Indulgence. It's like living in the 2000s all over again!
Relationships: Dib/Original Irken Character(s), Zim (Invader Zim)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. A New Nightmare Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I started writing this for a different site close to 10 years ago when I was in high school, so recently I was rewatching Invader Zim and decided to put my writing degree to good use by reviving the fic I never finished. I have done some major edits, and now that I have a clear plot in mind, I am excited to see where this goes later!

“Computer, play the next episode.”

Tay let her short legs swing from the ship’s seat gleefully as another episode of _How I Met Your Mother_ started up on the monitor. “Ted, get me another snack.”

“Yes my master!” Her SIR unit jumped up and rummaged through a nearby box. After a few moments, he offered Tay a package of colorful cupcakes. “Thank you Ted!” She took the package from the little robot and peeled the plastic open. She handed Ted a cake and they snacked while watching the Earth sitcom together, careful not to get the neon pink frosting all over their faces. “Ted, do you know how long before we land?”

“I will check.” The SIR unit tinkered with some controls while Tay kept her bright blue eyes fixed on the monitor. “About six Earth hours.”

“Excellent.” Tay couldn’t believe it. Years of strenuous military training, all finally about to pay off. When the Tallest called her name and she stood on that stage before her peers, it was the greatest moment of her life. As she accepted her assignment to Planet Earth, standing as tall as possible, she had been overflowing with pride. Now, roughly six months later, she was finally about to land and begin her mission. She had spent the entire flight researching the native Earth species: the human. They seemed like a charming bunch, she was especially enamoured with their entertaining television programs and catchy music. She already had several ideas for her disguise, Ted’s disguise, and their base. She was confident that she could fit in well. Her first course of action would be to find an education program to enroll in so that she could learn even more about those she intended to conquer. _‘Maybe when I rule the Earth the humans can make special television shows and music in my honor!’_ The thought made her smile, and she took another bite of cupcake.

“I won’t let you down, my Tallest.” Tay whispered. “Earth, I’m ready for you and your humans!”

-

"Class, today we are going to watch a video about animals and the horribly vicious circle of life."

A hand quickly shot up.

"Yes, Dib?"

"What does that have to do with taxes?"

"Does it even matter? Now shut up." Ms. Bitters glared at him, making sure Dib wasn't on the verge of asking another idiotic question before setting up the DVD player.

The door opened, revealing a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl wearing a black shirt with a picture of Earth and the words: "Every day is Earth Day!" The black shirt matched her black gloves, black boots, and black skinny jeans. Nervously, the new girl fingered the pendant on the choker around her neck, one half of a red heart.

"Umm, Ms. Bitters?"

The creepy, old teacher turned to face her. "Who are you?"

"My name is Tay. I'm new here and I was told I was to be in your class."

"Great, _another one_. Go pick up a cardboard box to use as a desk and sit by the kid with the biggest head." She waved Tay away.

Puzzled, Tay looked around, trying to find the child with the largest head. They all had equally large heads in her opinion.

And that's when she saw _him_.

Sitting at a desk near the door was a boy with green skin. He had purple eyes, black hair, and was wearing a red tunic with black gloves and boots much like hers. She stared on for a few seconds, shocked. He was so engrossed in the technology he was playing with, that he didn't notice her looking at him.

But she knew what he was the moment she saw him.

 _Irken_.

She could tell because he hadn't bothered to disguise himself very well. Heck, he was still in his uniform. The only things that looked human about him were his hair and eyes, and even they were questionable. Not to mention, that was Irken technology he had in his lap. Could one be more careless?

What was another Irken doing on her assigned planet? Did the Tallest know?

"Tay! Why are you still standing there?"

Breaking her gaze, Tay glanced back at Ms. Bitters.

"Well, umm... Ms. Bitters, I don't know which child has the biggest head in the class."

That got the attention of everyone, and they now stared at Tay in disbelief.

"Is it not obvious whose head is the largest? DIB!" The Irken boy was now pointing at a boy near the window with glasses and a black jacket over a blue shirt.

"Shut up Zim! My head is NOT big!" Dib spat back in indignation.

"Stop kidding yourself Dib-monkey." And with that, Zim burst into laughter.

Zim.

So that was his name. Tay stole one last look at him before dragging her box-desk over by Dib. He was still fuming about the big-head comment.

"Are you okay?"

Startled by the fact that Tay was talking to him, Dib nodded. "Yeah, it's just Zim. Hey, I have a question."

"Yeah?"

"Do you believe in aliens?"

Tay froze. Had he seen through her disguise that easily? What would he do, what would _she_ do if he had? Deciding to play it cool, she shrugged. "I don't know, why?"

"Well, this might sound crazy, but I'm about 99.9% sure that Zim is an alien."

Relief flooded through Tay. He was talking about Zim, not her. "What makes you so sure?"

"Well, look at him! He's green and has no ears. He says it's a skin condition, hah! What kind of skin condition doesn't have ears?"

Tay laughed at that, half because what Dib said sounded funny, and half because she was glad she had been smart enough not to forget ears. It wasn’t shocking that a human had discovered Zim for what he was, but she wondered if this could jeopardize her mission in any way. _Or_ … What if the opposite were the case? What exactly did Dib know about Zim? She decided to find out. "Actually, I think you could be right."

"What! How can you not see that- wait, what?"

"I said, I think you could be right."

Dib's jaw dropped. Never, had he ever met anyone else who believed him or even cared when he said that Zim was an alien. Well, there was that counselor, but Dib didn't really count him.

Tay giggled. "I mean it's pretty obvious. Just look at him."

"THANK YOU! Somebody who finally believes me!"

"DIB! Stop yelling!"

Embarrassed, Dib fell silent. "Sorry Ms. Bitters."

The bell rang.

"Lunchtime. Get out of here."

Without hesitation, the children obeyed Ms. Bitters, filing out of the classroom in a chaotic fashion.

Tay glanced over at Zim just as he was leaving.

"Hey Tay, do you want to eat lunch with me?"

A bit reluctantly, Tay set her focus back on Dib. She gave a small smile. "Sure."

-

"And he wants to take over the Earth. The 'Almighty Tallest' sent him, I've seen him talk to them before! Did you know the leaders of his race are just taller than everybody else?"

Of course Tay knew that, but she played dumb and shook her head. "Are you serious?" The two of them were walking home from school together. They'd been talking almost nonstop since Tay’s arrival.

"Yeah! Pretty stupid, huh?"

"I'll say!" Tay felt slightly guilty about dissing the Tallest, but she wasn't about to blow her cover.

"Haha, yeah. I can't believe Zim thinks his race is superior to ours!"

"Psh. Yeah."

"Oh, hey! Sorry to change the subject, but have you ever heard of the band Mindless Self Indulgence?"

This band had never come up during Tay’s research. "Umm, no I haven't."

"Well you need to listen to them when you get home! They're amazing!"

Tay smiled. "Okay!"

Dib smiled back briefly before spotting his house. "There's my house."

Him and Tay continued walking until they reached the front door. "I'm sorry I couldn't walk you to your house, but you say it's a lot farther than here and-"

Tay cut him off. "Oh, don't worry about it."

"If you say so. You won't get lost or anything, will you?"

"Nope, I'm good. Well, see you later!"

"Wait! One more thing."

Tay was already making her way off the front porch, but turned around to hear what Dib had to say. "Hmm?"

"Do you have a screen name?"

-*-

 _[_ **_I_am_sane_ ** _has logged on.]_

 _[_ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _has logged on.]_

**Shut_me_up_luv:** hey Dib!

 **I_am_sane:** Tay! wazzup?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** listenin to MSI, u?

 **I_am_sane:** omg me too! what song r u listening to?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** shut me up of course!

 **I_am_sane:** cool! i'm listening to get it up.

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** lol! that’s a good 1!

 **I_am_sane:** I know right!!! :D

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** lol xD

_[_ **_Screwaliensnsht_ ** _has logged on.]_

**I_am_sane:** i'm also thinking up my next plan to destroy Zim and save the earth xD

 **Screwaliensnsht:** Dib, u finally get a girl to talk to u and u talk about aliens. way to be a loser.

 **I_am_sane:** Gaz go away! and why weren't u at skool today?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** Gaz?

 **I_am_sane:** my sister

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** ah

 **Screwaliensnsht:** i was sick. and no way. I wanna play some online games

 **I_am_sane:** u don't have to be in our chatroom to do that... and hey! ur not sick!

 **Screwaliensnsht:** yeah, but that's the fun part :P and so?

 **I_am_sane:** ...

_[_ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _has logged on.]_

**Geekinthepink122:** how's it goin?

 **I_am_sane:** ugh! not u too!!!! D:<

 **Geekinthepink122:** haha, yes Dib!

 **I_am_sane:** UGH I was talking to Tay before all of u showed up!

 **Geekinthepink122:** Tay?

 **Screwaliensnsht:** his gf ;D

 **I_am_sane:** nuh uh! >.<

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** hi. Geekinthepink?

 **I_am_sane:** Zim.

 **Geekinthepink122:** hello earth monkey.

 **Screwaliensnsht:** earth monkey? wooooow

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** hi Zim! i’m in your class at skool now. nice screenname! xD

 **Geekinthepink122:** SILENCE GAZ!

 **Geekinthepink122:** -_- yeah... my computer selected it randomly...

 **Screwaliensnsht:** you guys are lame. i'm out.

_[_ **_Screwaliensnsht_ ** _has signed off.]_

**I_am_sane:** yay! Gaz is gone! she's so annoying!

 **Geekinthepink122:** not as annoying as the orbit around your large head. HAHAHAHA!

 **I_am_sane:** MY HEAD'S NOT BIG! stfu zim!

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** I don't think ur head is big

 **I_am_sane:** YES! 1 PERSON WHO DOESN'T THINK I HAVE A BIG HEAD!

 **Geekinthepink122:** are you blind? it's MASSIVE!

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** lol! u guys r funny xD

 **I_am_sane:** wtf! my dad is making me go to bed! I g2g. night Tay!

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** night!

_[_ **_I_am_sane_ ** _has signed off.]_

**Geekinthepink122:** well now that the Dib isn't on to laugh at anymore, i think i should log off as well. goodnight Tay

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** wait!

 **Geekinthepink122:** hmm?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** tell me about urself. how long have you lived here? r u and Dib close?

 **Geekinthepink122:** me? close with DIB? NEVER. Dib is my sworn enemy

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** y?

 **Geekinthepink122:** he uhhhhh… i don’t like how he makes fun of my skin condition… it’s a touchy subject

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** i see. well i’m sorry he’s mean 2 u. have u known Dib ur whole life?

 **Geekinthepink122:** only a short while

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** have u lived here long?

 **Geekinthepink122:** y so many questions?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** just trying to make friends being new and all. u and Dib r cool

 **Geekinthepink122:** me, yes. Dib? no.

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** lol ur both funny too! maybe we can be friends?

 **Geekinthepink122:** i will consider this proposal. i want nothing 2 do with the Dib human tho

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** fair enough! well i’ll let you go, gotta rest up for skool 2morrow

 **Geekinthepink122:** yes. rest is good. and healthy.

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** good night Zim

 **Geekinthepink122:** c u in skool i guess

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** let me know what u decide ;)

_[_ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _has signed off.]_

 _[_ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _has signed off.]_


	2. A Call Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confused about Zim's status on Earth, Tay decides to call the Tallest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance if this chapter is mostly canon info from the show. Just trying to set the tone for the rest of the series and establish Tay's relationship with the Tallest. I hope this chapter is still entertaining though. It was pretty fun to write.

Tay stared at the now blank monitor deep in her base, pondering over the events of her first day on Earth. She really lucked out meeting Dib. Based on her initial observations, he definitely held a higher degree of intelligence than other humans in their skool. He was actively trying to stop Zim from taking over Earth, so he would be a great source of information as she worked to tailor a plan for Earth’s conquest.

Then there was Zim.

Why was he trying to take over Earth? If his mission were official, then surely the Tallest would not have wasted Tay’s time by sending her there as well. She couldn’t get over his poor efforts to assimilate. His disguise could barely be called such, and in their online chat he had used phrases such as “Earth monkey” and “Dib human” when talking to her. Was Zim aware of how sloppy he was being?

What if he was acting on his own accord though, like a rogue soldier? Maybe he was running from something, or scheming something big in an effort to impress the Tallest? Instead of spending so much time guessing, Tay thought it best to contact the Tallest directly and simply ask them.

Tay turned her monitor back on and initiated the call. Soon the interior of The Massive came into view. Tallest Red and Purple were both in the middle of snacking on donuts, but lent her their attention.

“Good evening my Tallest, Invader Tay reporting in.” The petite Irken gave a firm salute.

“Tay? Is that you?” Red squinted his large eyes at the screen.

“Yes, I have successfully landed and nearly completed my first day on Earth.”

“So you’re Tay, not a human?” Purple was now squinting as well.

“Huh?” Tay looked down at her shirt and realized that she was still wearing her disguise. “Oh! Pardon me,” soon her PAK activated and her high-tech, holographic disguise dissipated. Now she was back to her natural, Irken state. Ocean blue orbs for eyes, curly antennae instead of blonde hair, and a black tunic with lavender accents. An Irken insignia sat pinned to the top of her tunic, just below her neck. Her pants matched the lavender of these insignia accents. “There we go, I forgot that I could drop my disguise. It has been a day, my Tallest.”

“Wow, impressive!” Red looked pleased as he stuffed another donut into his mouth.

“Yeah! We really thought you were a human!” Purple chimed in, shoving two donuts into his mouth.

“Why thank you! I spent my entire voyage doing research on the humans. I have raised no suspicions at this time.”

“That’s great! See, I knew that sending Tay to Earth was a good decision! She’s so smart!” Purple told Red.

“And not _too_ short I suppose.” Red added. “Tay, you’re going to make us so proud. When you conquer Earth, what do you say we make it a snack planet?”

“I think that’d be a great idea! I was also wondering if maybe we could continue to use the humans for their entertainment as well? Their consumable media is quite fascinating. Think of the songs they could sing about us! The television they could write!”

“Ooh! I watched Earth TV once! It was pretty neat!” Purple exclaimed. “Yeah, make it happen!”

“Rest assured, my Tallest, I will ‘make it happen!’” Tay wondered when and how she should broach the subject of Zim. “So uh-”

“Oh this is so exciting! So tell us Tay, have you come across any foreseeable obstacles yet?”

What a conveniently timed question! “Well actually, there is one thing… So I started at an Earth education facility today, and there was this _boy_ in my class. My Tallest, do you know of Irken Invader Zim?”

Both Tallest froze, eyeing each other nervously. Purple was the first to break the silence. “Oh my god.”

“I can’t believe we forgot… About Zim!” Red struggled to get the last of his sentence out, as he had suddenly burst into a fit of laughter. Purple joined in, and before Tay knew what was happening, both of her leaders were on the floor of their ship, laughing their green heads off to the point of tears.

“What’s so funny?”

They didn’t seem to hear her.

“My Tallest!” She raised her voice just enough to be heard while still maintaining a level of respect. “ _What_ is so funny about this?!”

Finally, Purple sat up, brushing tears from his eyes. “I actually can’t believe it.”

“So ‘Invader’ Zim,” Red used air quotes as he spoke, “isn’t actually an invader at all.”

Tay still didn’t understand. “So then why is he trying to take my assignment?”

“Okay, get this. Once we explain, you’re going to think it’s just as hilarious, I promise. So you remember Operation Impending Doom I?” Red asked.

“Yes?”

“Okay, so Zim is the reason that the entire operation failed. He nearly destroyed Irk. You were probably doing your academy training on another planet around that time.”

Tay’s blue eyes grew wide. “That was Zim?”

“Yes!” Purple shouted. “So then years later we’re ready to carry out Operation Impending Doom II, and guess who just decides to crash the initial convention!”

“Zim?”

“Yeah! Did we invite him? No! Did he show up anyway? He sure did!”

“After the debacle that was the first operation, we banished Zim to Foodcourtia for all the damage he caused. Then he just… _Quit_.”

“He quit being banished?” Tay’s jaw dropped.

“Yes!” Both Tallest exclaimed together. “Who does that?!”

“So he comes to the convention just begging for a mission, so we thought we’d have a little fun with him.” Red continued, a smirk playing on his lips.

“So we just kind of pointed to a galaxy as far away from us as possible, hoping he’d get lost or sucked into a black hole or something.” Purple suppressed another giggle.

“We had no idea that he’d actually make it to a planet, much less a planet with actual life on it. But somehow he did!” Red pulled out a bag of popcorn.

“So now we just let him do his thing and spend some time messing with him. His reports never fail to give us a good laugh! His plans are a joke, and somehow he always manages to let that one weird human with the big head ruin them. You want to talk about good TV? That’s it right there!” Purple started laughing again.

They must be talking about Dib. Dib had mentioned that he’d seen Zim interact with the Tallest before. Another point to prove that Zim was reckless. “Okay, so Zim isn’t a real invader, he just thinks he is?”

“Yup that’s right!” Both Tallest reached for the bag of popcorn.

“Then at some point we decided that Earth might actually be worth adding to our galactic conquest. I mean, it’s not like we have anything else in that part of the universe. So that’s where you come in, Tay.” Red pointed at her, accidentally flinging popcorn at their monitor.

Tay rubbed her chin. Now that she knew the entire story, the whole thing did seem kind of amusing. “Alright. Got it. So then, do I need to worry about him? Should I enlist his help?”

“Eh, use your best judgment. You’re smart, so I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” Purple grabbed another handful of popcorn and tilted his head upward, dropping the morsels into his mouth. Most of it spilled around him.

“Hey, bonus points if you can make him explode or something equally bad!” Red let out another laugh.

“Yeah! There’s a lot of water on that planet, maybe you could like push him in an ocean or something!” Purple offered.

“I see. Alright my Tallest, well thank you for helping me understand. I will get close to Zim and evaluate whether he can be of any use to me, and will figure out the best way to proceed. I will not let his… _ineptitude_ get in the way of my mission. This I can promise you.”

“Great work, Tay! Keep it up!” Red’s voice dripped with pride and approval.

“Why couldn’t Zim be more like you?” Purple sighed.

“You are too kind, my Tallest. I will honor your words of praise by carrying this mission out successfully and in record time. Thank you for your faith in me.” With that, the group waved at one another and Tay signed off. She would spend the next day devising a plan to gain Zim’s trust.


	3. Friendship of Doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Tay knows about Zim, she must decide on her next course of action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I've got so far, so I'm open to suggestions for plans of doom. Also I swear that one day I'll get to the romantic stuff, but we have to build up to that.

The sun in the reddish looking sky warmed the sidewalk that Tay walked on. Being the Earth month of August, the weather was comfortable, although not so much for someone wearing a full uniform disguised by a new, black Mindless Self Indulgence T-Shirt and skinny jeans. She was beginning to sweat by the time she reached the skool.

As she approached the front steps, she saw Dib sitting with a purple-haired girl clad in black with a skull necklace. Dib seemed to be rambling on about something while she sat playing on some Earth electronic device. As Tay got closer, she could hear their conversation.

"And then when he leaves the room, I'll jump down from his ceiling, poison his waffles and other Irken snacks with this alien repellant I ordered off the official Mysterious Mysteries website, and then when he takes a bite... It'll DESTROY him from the inside out! Pretty great plan, huh?"

"Dib, shut up! The only aliens I care about destroying are the ones in this game." In that statement, the purple-haired girl never took her eyes off the game console. She didn't have to. The venom in her words captured the annoyance she must've felt better than any evil glare ever could.

"But Gaz, if Zim takes over the earth, then there'd be no videogames at all! Don't you care?"

Gaz glared up at Dib, a growl rising in the back of her throat.

Though slightly dejected, Dib was smart enough to back off. The pointy-haired boy stood up, about to enter the skool building before he glimpsed Tay standing there. "Tay! What's u- whoa! Nice shirt!"

Tay smiled. Her new love for the band Mindless Self Indulgence had inspired her to tweak her human disguise a bit. Her shirt today featured the quote "I never wanted to dance..." with a picture of an unhappy, dancing finger puppet, supposedly one of the band members. She was glad Dib approved. "Thanks!"

Dib grinned. "No problem, it's awesome! Where'd you get it?"

Tay hesitated. "Actually, I made it."

"No way! You need to teach me how you do that."

Tay stood there, at a temporary loss for words. She couldn't exactly show Dib how she customized all of her outfits almost instantly with advanced Irken technology. So instead, she simply nodded. "For sure!" She hoped he wasn't really going to take her up on that offer, or she'd have to figure out how humans produced their clothes, and that seemed like it'd be very time consuming.

The bell rang and the two walked to class together, leaving Gaz behind, not that she seemed to care. Unlike the day before, Dib didn't hesitate or apologize when he changed the subject. "So, did you hear my latest plan to destroy Zim once and for all?"

Tay nodded. Maybe this would be how she could gain Zim’s trust. She could warn Zim about Dib’s plan.

"Well, what do you think?"

Without meaning to, she frowned. If she were going to try and learn from both Dib and Zim, then she would need to remain friendly with both. This all had to come together in a way that each boy would be none the wiser to what she was doing. She would probably end up sharing more information with Zim, if she could get him to be her friend, but she felt a pang of guilt because Dib already thought that she was his friend. Part of her liked being Dib’s friend too. Quickly, she tried to form a plan in her head.

Apparently, her plan didn't form quickly enough. "Tay?"

"Hmm?"

"What do you think of the plan? Poisoning Zim's snacks?"

“Honestly, I’m not too sure about it. Like what if Zim catches you? Or what if he doesn’t eat his snacks? Or what if that stuff you bought is a cheap gimmick and it doesn’t work?”

Dib mulled that over. “You know, you may be onto something. What if I just spray the repellent all over his desk and hope for the best?”

Tay panicked. She wanted to delay Dib, but this was actually a fairly decent plan, and what if Zim actually got hurt from this? “How soon could you do it?”

“Probably tomorrow. I’d have to get the can from home.”

Tay’s worry was replaced by relief. That would give her time to warn Zim. “Great! I think that’s a much better plan then!”

Dib grinned widely. “Alright! Tomorrow, we move forward with Operation Save Earth From Doom Once And For All!”

Now Tay was grinning, amused by Dib. He tried so hard.

-

Hours later, Tay was stuck in the human classroom, bored out of her mind. She turned to Dib, who acknowledged her, but kept his mouth shut out of fear of Ms. Bitters. Tay sighed. It was probably for the best though. She didn't want Dib to get sent to the underground classroom Ms. Bitters had already mentioned thirty-six times since her arrival.

With her boredom increasing, she stole a glance at Zim. He looked equally bored, feet on his desk as he balanced a pencil on his lips. She couldn't help but smile at that. She wished she could get up and talk to him, tell him all about Dib's plan. But she knew there was no way she could do that without raising suspicions from Dib.

She had another idea. Discreetly, she pulled out a slip of paper and scrawled some words on it with a pencil. "Ms. Bitters? Can I go to the bathroom?"

"Fine, don't forget the hall pass." She pointed a wrinkled, bony finger toward a rack labeled "HALL PASSES" with some glowing necklace things on it near the door. "If you leave skool grounds, it'll explode."

Tay saluted Ms. Bitters before heading for the door. As she pulled a hall pass over her head, she slid the piece of paper onto Zim's desk. He gave her a puzzled look, but she silenced him with her eyes, trying wordlessly to tell him to read it.

As she left, Zim read the note to himself:

_Want some information on Dib?_

_Say you’re going to the bathroom a few minutes after I leave._

_Then meet me on the steps of the skool._

_Destroy this note._

Zim didn’t know what to make of this. Why did this disgusting human want anything to do with him? Was this some sort of trap that she’d prepared with Dib?

Eventually, curiosity got the better of Zim and he decided to hear her out. Something about the authoritativeness of her note was intriguing to him. Besides, he could obviously hold his own against a human if she were to try something. After all, he wasn’t an elite Irken Invader for nothing.

Zim began flailing his small gloved arms in the air.

“Yes Zim?”

“Ms. Bitters, I have realized that I too must use the bathroom.”

Dib raised an eyebrow, but ultimately decided that Zim probably just had to go, and that an outburst wasn’t worth risking the underground classroom today.

The teacher grimaced and jerked her thumb toward the rack of hall passes. “Make it quick.”

Zim grunted dutifully as he grabbed his pass and made his way for the door. In the hallway he promptly made the note self destruct.

Once on the outside steps, Zim spotted Tay waiting for him in the shade.

“Hey! Earth beast! What do you want from Zim?”

Tay cringed at “Earth beast,” he really needed to stop saying stuff like that. “Good, you got my note. Dib has given me some information that you might find useful, but I cannot disclose it here at skool. Make sure you’re on messenger tonight, and I can tell you in more detail. First however, I need to know. Have you thought anymore about my offer of friendship from last night?”

Zim stared at her as if she were speaking another language altogether. “The Dib human is no concern of mine! As for you, do you really think I _need_ your friendship?”

For such a failure of a specimen, Zim was too proud. Tay shrugged off her irritation. “I guess you don’t, but do you have any friends here at skool?”

Zim paused. Keef hadn’t worked out, so the answer was no, he had no friends. He blinked, scratching at his neck in thought. Maybe it’d be worth it to try this friend thing again, and Tay was already trying to prove a useful companion by offering information from his nemesis. “Fine. I will accept your friendship and with it any news of Dib.” He spat.

Tay’s smile flirted with both excitement and deviousness. “Excellent Zim. I’m looking forward to this. Now make sure you wait a few minutes after me to come back to class. I’ll talk to you tonight.” She winked at him with one of her expertly disguised eyes before turning back inside the building.

Zim recoiled in response. Was this some kind of disgusting human affection she had for him? He knew that he was irresistible, but he was not sent to Earth to _mate_ with the humans. Just the thought made him want to go back to his base and cleanse himself. Hopefully this pathetic human friendship would be worth it, and he could learn enough to destroy Dib and the rest of the humans.

-*-

 _[_ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _has logged on.]_

 _[_ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _has logged on.]_

_[Incoming private message from_ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _to_ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _]_

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** hi Zim! glad 2 c u could make it!

 **Geekinthepink122:** yes yes now tell Zim wat u know

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** b4 i can tell u i need u 2 tell me something

 **Geekinthepink122:** dsiagsdfoefwkf WHAT NOW

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** r u an alien?

 **Geekinthepink122:** i think ur letting Dib and his big head full of crazy get 2 u. I Zim am NO alien!

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** u can drop the act. it’s just us 2 now. i already know ur irken

 **Geekinthepink122:** hahaha LIES! don't believe what the Dib has told you

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** then i guess u don’t care that Dib wants 2 spray alien repellent on ur desk at skool 2morrow

 **Geekinthepink122:** … well last i checked ALIEN repellent doesn’t work on HUMANS

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** Zim cut it out i know ur secret. U don’t blend in well. not like i do

 **Geekinthepink122:** U DARE INSULT ME??? hey wait what?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** lol ur cluelessness is almost cute. let me show u something

_[Incoming file from_ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _to_ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _]_

**Geekinthepink122:** O.O UR IRKEN TOO?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** i am

 **Geekinthepink122:** this doesn’t make any sense. y would the tallest send U 2 a planet that I’M supposed 2 b conquering?!

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** oh! is that y ur here?

 **Geekinthepink122:** of course it is! y else would i be on this FILTHY planet?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** … well what if i help u conquer it?

 **Geekinthepink122:** FOOL! i need no help! the tallest chose me!

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** how long have u been here?

 **Geekinthepink122:** ummm maybe a few years? Y?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** don’t u think it’s time to accept some help? i know that Dib keeps ruining ur plans, but now I have Dib's trust. i could like, spy on him for you and stuff. together we could do this

 **Geekinthepink122:** u have thought this out haven’t u?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** yes

 **Geekinthepink122:** hmmm... well, that is pretty smart of u... umm... alright. but y would u want 2 help me?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** i mean, we r friends now right?

 **Geekinthepink122:** true. fine Tay, i will allow u 2 help me take over earth and wipe out the Dib monkey

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** ty Zim! <3 oh 1 more thing

 **Geekinthepink122:** hmm?

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** u have 2 stop saying obvious stuff like Dib human nd earth monkey. ppl will catch on nd u will blow our cover

 **Geekinthepink122:** i cannot promise, but i can try i guess

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** gr8! i will c u in skool 2morrow. what if i come 2 ur base after skool and we come up with a plan? we can’t be seen together @ skool or Dib will get suspicious

 **Geekinthepink122:** ok fine i will send u the coordinates

_[Incoming file from_ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _to_ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _]_

**Shut_me_up_luv:** got em. should b fun Zim!

 **Geekinthepink122:** when i am LORD OF ALL HUMANS then it will b fun!

 **Shut_me_up_luv:** lol nite!

 **Geekinthepink122:** nite

_[_ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _has signed off.]_

 _[_ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _has signed off.]_


	4. Alien Repellent and Poop Chocolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tay sits by and encourages two very stupid plans in an effort to get closer to Zim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! This is the last chapter that I was able to piece together using my original draft of this fic. Can't wait to start writing entirely new stuff from scratch in the next chapter!

“I wonder what his base is like, Ted.” Tay was fiddling with her antennae in the mirror before skool. “How inferior do you think it is to ours?”

“Quite inferior I imagine.” Ted stated.

“What do you think his SIR unit is like?”

“Only observation will tell us, my master.”

“Very true. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t full of anticipation over this moment, Ted. Zim is both our ally and our enemy. We must keep him… As the humans say, ‘on a tight leash.’”

“Like a dog?”

Tay paused. “Yes, I suppose so. Much like a dog. We must let him think that he is still leading the operation, meanwhile we will trick him into obedience. Zim is full of pride, so we must tread carefully. If he thinks he is being controlled, or discovers our motives, then he will not cooperate. Ted, you have the coordinates to Zim’s base programmed?”

“Yes, my master.”

“Excellent. I will come home after skool today, and together we will walk to Zim’s in our disguises.” Tay had modeled Ted’s disguise after a breed of dog, specifically the dalmatian, like the kind Robin had on  _ How I Met Your Mother _ . She was thrilled that they would finally get to use it.

Ted nodded. “Affirmative!”

“Great. Well, I don’t want to keep Dib waiting.” Tay activated her own disguise and reached for the knob on the front door. It had been tricky trying to find an out of the way place to land in the crowded Earth hub that was New York, but Tay had managed to find a spot with few neighbors and make use of an uninhabited house by converting it into her base. It was a long walk to skool, but worth it if it meant not blowing her cover. Her and Dib had agreed to start meeting up at a spot where their paths joined, and then they would walk the rest of the way to skool together. She had to admit, it was nice having some company during that time. “See you after skool, Ted!”

-

Dib practically ran to skool. “Quick Gaz, Tay! We have to hurry! We have to beat Zim to class so that I can spray his desk!”

Gaz meandered behind the two of them, head buried in her Game Slave. “Don’t tell me what to do! You’re stupid!”

Tay tried her best to keep up. “What if Zim’s already there?”

“I placed a decoy outside his front door early this morning!” Dib’s breathing was ragged as he ran faster. “That should make him late for sure!”

“So… if you went all the way to Zim’s house in an effort to make him late this morning, why couldn’t you have just sprayed his front door or something?” Tay asked.

Dib’s body kept moving forward, but it was like his brain had stopped as he stared blankly into space. “You know, why  _ didn’t _ I think of that?”

Tay giggled. Maybe she’d given Dib too much credit as an “intelligent” example of human lifeforms.

Zim wasn’t there when they arrived. “SUCCESS!” Dib yelled. Ms. Bitters wasn’t there yet either, so he could be as loud as he wanted. Dib whipped out the spray can.

Tay kept her distance as she inspected the label. “Well, let’s see if it works.”

Dib dramatically yanked off the cap, and went crazy spraying the repellent all over Zim’s desk and chair. Tay stood back and tried not to breathe in the fumes. Eventually, after it seemed like he had sprayed the entire can, he was satisfied. “Today will be a victory for humankind!”

Other students began to trickle into the classroom, so Tay and Dib took their seats in the back. Dib was giddy with excitement, while Tay gave him a reassuring thumbs up and somewhat forced smile.

Ms. Bitters stalked over to her desk and called for attention, causing everyone’s chatter to die down. “Class, today we’re going to learn about the socio economic downturn that led to the downfall of the Soviet Union.”

There was a collective groan.

“SILENCE.”

Tay leaned forward, intrigued. What was this “Soviet Union” and how did economics make it fall? She whipped out a pencil and paper. Maybe she could use her newfound knowledge to turn the Earth monies against the humans.

Tay was the only student taking notes as Ms. Bitters detailed this ancient part of Earth history. Nobody was even looking up until the door was thrown open, and Zim entered.

“Zim! You’re late!”  
“Sorry Ms. Bitters, but there was this- robot walrus at my front door. It forced me to escape out of my window.”

Tay looked at Dib, who was stifling laughter. So  _ that _ was the decoy he was talking about?

“Just sit down. As I was saying, the Berlin Wall was ripped apart mercilessly, meeting its  _ doom _ in 1989.”

“Certainly.” Zim plopped down, immediately smirking at Dib, who was watching his every move. “Oh how I love my desk of learning, where I learn such great knowledge!”

“Why didn’t it work?” Dib grunted to Tay.

Tay shrugged. “Maybe it was just a dud?”

“Maybe…” Dib sighed, visibly sulking.

Tay was also confused as to what Zim had done to thwart Dib’s plan. “Hey, do you mind if I borrow the can so I can take a look at it?”

“Sure. It’s nearly empty anyway.” Dib passed her the can of spray, and Tay shoved it into her backpack. After her first day of skool, she had decided that it would be best to acquire a real backpack for class. What a relief that she had decided to conceal her PAK with her disguise. She wasn’t sure how much Dib knew about the functions of their PAKs, but with Zim around, there’s a good chance that Dib would have at least recognized it.

“Thanks. Sorry your plan didn’t work.”

“TAY!”

Tay straightened up and faced the front of the classroom again. “Ms. Bitters!”

“Stop talking to Dib and come take notes on the chalkboard here at the front of the class.”

“Right away.” Tay marched to the front of the class and grabbed a piece of chalk. At least she’d been paying attention up until that point. So far she had learned a lot.

“Ha.” Zim let a single laugh slip before he rested his head comfortably on his desk, still no reaction to the repellent. Tay flashed him a puzzled look, which caused his lazy smile to widen.

-

“I still don’t understand it. How was he just fine? I sprayed his entire desk and chair.” Dib hadn’t stopped talking about the incident in class from the moment the bell rang.

“Like I said, maybe it was just a dud. If Zim is an alien like you say, there’s a chance he could be the only one on Earth. Maybe Earth science just hasn’t figured out how to handle aliens like Zim yet.”

“I guess that’s possible. Maybe there’s more overlap between science and paranormal investigation than I originally thought.”

“Didn’t you say that your dad is a scientist? Maybe he could help you?”  
Dib shook his head. “No, he never listens. He doesn’t believe in anything paranormal.”

“I mean, personally I don’t consider aliens in the same category as BigFoot, but that’s just me I guess. Aliens come from space and space is related to science, but whatever.”

Dib stopped walking and looked at Tay, hope dancing behind the lenses of his glasses. “You know, I’m really glad that you don’t think I’m crazy, Tay. I’m... Really glad that we met.” Dib’s cheeks were turning a pink color as he spoke.

He sounded so genuine. Tay didn’t know how to respond, but she felt warmth rising in her own face, which made her uncomfortable. “Thank you… I’m really glad that we met too. It’s nice to have a friend.”

“Yeah, a friend.” Dib tested the word, seeing how it felt on his lips. Without thinking, Dib wrapped his arms around Tay in a hug, startling her.

"Oops, sorry." As quickly as it had happened, he let go of her.

Tay giggled. "Don't worry about it,  _ friend _ . Hey, my house is that way though, so this is where we split. Same time and place tomorrow?”

“Yeah! Oh, but before you go, will you get on instant messenger tonight?”

Tay didn’t know how long she would be at Zim’s, but she didn’t want to say no after that moment of friendship they’d just had. “Yes, I should be able to do that.”

“Great, I’ll talk to you tonight then.” Dib smiled at Tay as she waved back at him.

-

The walk to Zim's took about twenty minutes, and that didn't fully prepare Tay and Ted for the weirdness of what was known as Zim's house. It resembled a narrow, greenish wedge between two other houses and looked extremely out of place. Pipes and tube-like things that had sprouted from the house latched on to its neighbors, creating what looked like major holes in the walls. The door was one from a men's restroom that the humans used. She wanted to laugh, but froze mid-thought when she saw the gnomes.

The gnomes.

There were about six to eight of them, all lined up on either side of the walkway to the porch. Tay became uncomfortable, it seemed like they were staring at her. “Ted, scan the gnomes for level of threat.”

“Scanning. Threat level: medium.”

“Okay? So do we just walk up to the front door?”

“I will take the lead, my master.” With that, Tay let Ted walk in front of her, waiting at the edge of the sidewalk. The gnomes remained trained on Ted, but nothing happened. Tay reluctantly followed after him. She knocked on the door.

The door opened slowly, and there stood Zim, still in his human disguise. “Well if it isn’t the human beast who isn’t actually a human-” Zim’s eyes jumped to Ted, and he looked horrified. “You have a dog?”

Tay and Ted stepped forward and into Zim’s home. “Of course not. This is Ted, my SIR unit.”

In dog form, Ted sat upright at attention. “Yes sir!”

“It’s so… lifelike. It even fooled me!” Zim exclaimed, reaching around Tay to shut the door. “Well, make yourself at home. You can take off your disguise now if you’d like,” Zim was already peeling contact lenses off to reveal magenta orbs for eyes, “I bet those lenses are really scratchy.”

“Actually, they're not lenses. My whole disguise is holographic, but the clothes feel real. How else do you think I gave myself ears and human skin?" Tay activated her PAK, undoing her entire human facade in seconds as Zim was still removing his wig. Tay pushed another button and Ted’s disguise clicked off as well. “There we go!”

Zim stood there, amazed. "Maybe I really should try holographic disguising technology one of these days..." He muttered, half to himself. "Okay, now to the base to devise an evil plan of DOOM!" Zim marched toward a trash can, expecting Tay to follow. When they had reached it, Zim pushed down on the foot pedal to open the contraption, then stepped inside. "Coming?"

Tay peered inside. "Um... It looks cramped." Zim himself looked like he hardly fit, and he expected her to squeeze in too?

"Whatever. Just get in."

Shrugging, Tay hopped in. She tried to leave Zim some breathing room, but it was difficult, especially since they both had big heads. She was left pressed against the other Irken, bringing back that warm facial feeling she’d had when talking to Dib earlier. The elevator began to move downward, taking them to lower levels of the base.

They didn’t talk for the duration of the ride, but Zim seemed relieved when the elevator door finally opened and he could move freely again.

Tay stepped out after him. Once in his base, she took the opportunity to look things over. The place was nothing special really, she probably had more advanced equipment set up in her own base, but it would work for the doom plotting they had in mind.

Zim must have noticed her eyeing the place. "Yes. Amazing, isn't it?"

Tay shrugged, a playfully smug grin plastered across her face. "It'll get the job done I suppose."

Zim didn't seem to realize she was kidding, well to a certain extent anyway. "Hey! Like yours is any better!"

"You haven’t seen my base yet."

Zim froze, not really knowing how to defend himself from her comeback. "You're lying!"

Tay shrugged, not bothered by Zim's outburst, understanding that's really just how his personality worked. An awkward silence followed soon afterward. The two stood there, Tay awkwardly glancing around the base while Zim chose a spot on the floor to study. "So, when do we start?”

Zim's gaze flickered back up to Tay. "Ah, yes. Let the dooming begin!"

"I like doom!"

Before Tay could begin to wonder where the second voice had come from, a SIR unit plopped down in front of them, a big smile on his face.

"GIR! Have you been playing around in the house pipes again?"

"Mmhm! And I found a rat! His name's Joey and we be friends now!"

"Ugh, you smell disgusting, go clean yourself with cleansing chalk or something."

All of a sudden, the little SIR unit stood straight up, saluting Zim. "Yes my master!" And then he walked out.

"What was your SIR unit doing in the pipes?" Tay narrowed an eye at Zim.

"That's just Gir for you." Zim sighed.

Tay silently thanked the Tallest that Ted wasn't like that. As interesting as that might be, it would have to suck when work needed to be done.

"Anyways, let's start on this plan now."

"Lead the way." Tay followed Zim to the main computer monitor in the base. Soon they were joined by Ted, who sat nearby ready to assist if given an order. “But before we start,” Tay rummaged through her backpack, pulling out the spray, “I want to know what’s in this and how you managed to sit down without getting poisoned by it?”

Zim took the can and stared at it thoughtfully. He placed it under a scanner to be analyzed. In no time, results flashed on the screen:  **100% Water** .

“Water? I wonder if they know some alien races are allergic to water, or if they’re just being cheap?” Tay wondered aloud.

“Yes! The paste!” Zim whispered.

“Paste?”

“It’s this sticky, white substance that humans use for making arts and crafts. I bathe in it daily and it protects me from substances like water.”

“That’s… Actually really smart.” For the first time, Tay was impressed with Zim. She herself had been dreading the first time she would experience Earth’s rain, she hadn’t quite figured out a way to prepare for it yet. “Would you mind showing me how to do that?”

“Eh, okay.” Zim led her to his paste shower. The equipment wasn’t complicated, and it would be easy for Tay to replicate.

“Wow! Fascinating!” She squealed in delight. “I’m going to make my own tonight!”

“Yes, yes, impressive I know, now let us come up with this plan to take over Earth!” Zim grabbed Tay by her gloved hand and nearly dragged her back to the computer. She couldn’t help but giggle. “Okay Zim!” Once they were seated, Tay decided to tell Zim about her idea. “Okay, so were you listening to Ms. Bitters in class today? The stuff about the Soviet Union?”

Zim stared at her blankly, which answered her question.

“Guess not. Okay, well my plan has something to do with that. Humans value their monies above all else. What if we go up into space, target all of their banks, and blow up all the monies on Earth? Then we could enslave the humans no problem!”

Zim pondered this, scratching his chin thoughtfully. “Hmm… Mmmhm… OR, what if we use a device to turn all of their monies into Poop Chocolate? I probably have something like that here in my base already!”

“Uh Zim? I’m not sure that will be as effective. Wouldn’t the Poop Chocolate become the humans’ new currency?”

"You dare question my INGENIOUS plan?" Zim exclaimed.

Tay sighed. "I guess not."

“Good! I will gather the machine and tomorrow we will strike the banks!”

Did Zim not realize that this plan wouldn’t account for all of the monies on Earth? His equipment wouldn’t be able to cover banks outside of the city. Tay didn’t want to come across as too aggressive though, so she agreed to his stupid plan. “Sounds good.”

Tay sat by Zim’s side and he typed out various figures, presumably related to his plan. She wondered how long they’d been in the base. Dib had wanted her to get on her instant messaging account. "Hey Zim, what time is it?"

"Umm... About eight o' clock Earth time, why?"

"Dib requested I get on instant messenger tonight. If I'm going to be your spy, then I need to keep up appearances as his friend by doing so." That wasn't completely true. Part of her just felt like talking to Dib, he was fun to talk to after all.

“As awful as the Dib human is, you make a good point. Alright fine, you can log in on this monitor here.” Zim found a stopping point and slid over so that Tay could take his place.

"Thanks!" Tay flashed Zim a quick smile before typing in her screen name and password.

-*-

_ [ _ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _ has logged on.] _

**Screwaliensnsht:** seriously dib! i can hear your stupid music from all the way downstairs! it's making me SICK!

**I_am_sane:** it's not that bad gaz, SERIOUSLY!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** heyyyyy!

**I_am_sane:** tay! hows ur nite so far?

**Shut_me_up_luv:** so far so good jc, u?

**Screwaliensnsht:** DIB! I'M ABOUT TO COME UP THERE! UR IN FOR A WORLD OF HURT IF I HAVE TO COME UP THERE!

**I_am_sane:** okay fine!!! i'll turn it down!

**Screwaliensnsht:** i can still hear it!

**I_am_sane:** what? how???

**Screwaliensnsht:** does it matter? JUST TURN IT DOWN!

**I_am_sane:** FINE! HOW'S THAT?

**Screwaliensnsht:** hmmm… better. i suppose i'll let u live

**I_am_sane:** can't u just go back to playing ur game slave or something?

**Screwaliensnsht:** sure whatever

_ [ _ **_Screwaliensnsht_ ** _ has signed off.] _

**Shut_me_up_luv:** geez what's her problm?

**I_am_sane:** well aside from everything else, shes a total msi hater

**Shut_me_up_luv:** what a lozr! what song were u listenin 2?

**I_am_sane:** backmask

**Shut_me_up_luv:** ooh haven't heard that 1 yet is it good?

**I_am_sane:** yup! it actually has a part that they play backwards

**Shut_me_up_luv:** cool! immona listen 2 it right now!

**I_am_sane:** ok!

-*-

"Tay! You are NOT playing that Earth junk in my base!"

The song "Backmask" was blaring from Zim's computer as background noise while Tay chatted with Dib. Not bothering to pause it, she faced Zim. "Aw, please? I haven't heard this one yet!"

"Too bad! I am an Irken Invader! Irken Invaders don't listen to this... This filth! And if you're not going to quit playing such filth on  _ my _ computer, then I just won't let you use it."

"Zim, if you do that, you're going to blow our cover. As far as Dib is concerned, I'm a human worm-baby sitting at a computer in my own normal house right now. If he finds out that I'm here with you, he'll grow very suspicious."

Zim pondered that. "Well, you do have a point... Can't you at least stick to the plan without playing that awful static though?"

Tay grinned. "Nope! And now since you talked through half the song, I have to rewind it!"

Zim made several unintelligible angry noises as Tay gleefully started the song from the beginning.

-*-

**I_am_sane:** tay? u still there?

**Shut_me_up_luv:** yeah, sry about that. backmask is rly good!

**I_am_sane:** ikr???

**Shut_me_up_luv:** so how was ur day?

**I_am_sane:** pretty good. i watched mysterious mysteries and then i’ve just been in my room chillin

**Shut_me_up_luv:** is that a tv show?

**I_am_sane:** my favorite show of all time! they cover paranormal happenings. did i ever tell u i want to b a paranormal investigator when i grow up?

**Shut_me_up_luv:** o so that’s y u rly wanna catch Zim

**I_am_sane:** yea, i could b the first 2 expose alien life here on earth. it’d b a great start 2 my career

**Shut_me_up_luv:** 4 sure!

**I_am_sane:** hmm speaking of zim, i wonder if he's getting on 2nite... he's usually on by now

**Shut_me_up_luv:** lol ur obsessed

**I_am_sane:** not WITH him, just with CATCHING him. zim is annoying

**Shut_me_up_luv:** ur telling me u don’t enjoy interacting with Zim even a little bit?

**I_am_sane:** not @ all

**Shut_me_up_luv:** lol okkkkkkkkk hey check out frying pan! it’s another epic msi song! <3

**I_am_sane:** cool i definitely will!

_ [ _ **_PIGYWAFFELS_ ** _ has logged on.] _

**PIGYWAFFELS:** HAAAAAIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** who r u????

**PIGYWAFFELS:** GIR reporting 4 duty!

**I_am_sane:** oh boy

**PIGYWAFFELS:** lolololololHAHAHAHA! i said DOODY!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** o.O

**I_am_sane:** idk how 2 respond 2 that

**PIGYWAFFELS:** hey does any1 hav waffels? i want me some waffeltacozzz!

**I_am_sane:** no...

**Shut_me_up_luv:** nuh uh srry...

**PGYWAFFELS:** AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAA!!!!!!!!!!HHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_ [ _ **_PIGYWAFFELS_ ** _ has signed off.] _

**I_am_sane:** that was random

**Shut_me_up_luv:** lol zim better get him some tacos xD

**I_am_sane:** haha ikr!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** xDDD

**I_am_sane:** its 2 bad he didn't log on 2nite... i wanted 2 make fun of him 4 stuff…

**Shut_me_up_luv:** u sure u don’t just miss him?

**I_am_sane:** omg no

**Shut_me_up_luv:** mmkay well there's always 2morro nite

**I_am_sane:** yup... im gonna call him a bajillion names like monster dookie and IRKWORM! omg that 1s GENIUS!!!!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** HAHA good 1 xD

-*-

"Alright Tay, I think you've gotten the point across well enough to keep the plan intact. You can log out now."

Tay's heart sank. She didn't want to log off yet, but she couldn't tell Zim that. As far as he knew, her spending any time with Dib was just business, and she didn't like it because she despised Dib as much as him. "You sure that I shouldn't play along for just a few more minutes?"

Zim laughed. "Well, it's definitely not necessary. You've certainly done a good enough job of keeping up appearances as Dib's friend. A job well done."

Tay tried not to look disappointed. "Okay." Let me tell him I'm signing off then."

"Excellent. Now GIR! Let's go to the Crazy Taco!"

“Hey, mind if I come too?”

Zim narrowed an eye at her. “No more horrible Earth static?”

Tay rolled her eyes. “Fine, I promise.”

“Then sure. Just hurry up so we don’t keep Gir waiting longer than necessary.”

The blue-eyed Irken smiled. Suddenly, she wasn’t so disappointed anymore.

-*-

**Shut_me_up_luv:** hey dib? i gotta log off 4 the nite

**I_am_sane:** aww ok. c ya @ skool 2morro!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** ok, bye! good nite!

**I_am_sane:** good nite tay :)

**Shut_me_up_luv:** o wait 1 more thing!

**I_am_sane:** yeah?

**Shut_me_up_luv:** i did some more research on ur spray. it’s just water

**I_am_sane:** saifhbqwefwoefwbgl IT STILL SHOULD’VE WORKED THO! kinda sucks i wasted money on water, but zim’s race is allergic 2 water!!!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** lol idk, we can figure it out l8r. nite! ;)

  
_ [ _ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _ has signed off.] _


	5. Banking on a Moron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tay is forced to improvise when things don't go according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting to some cutesy stuff. Stay tuned!

_ [ _ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _ has logged on.] _

**Shut_me_up_luv:** u there Zim?

**Geekinthepink122:** yes

**Shut_me_up_luv:** it’s been like more than a week what’s the holdup?

**Geekinthepink122:** i can assure u it’s all coming along just fine. come over 2nite if ur that worried

**Shut_me_up_luv:** ok glady ;)

**Geekinthepink122:** u always use those symbols. what do they mean?

**Shut_me_up_luv:** lol it’s a winky face

**Geekinthepink122:** . . .

**Shut_me_up_luv:** ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

**Geekinthepink122:** i swear sometimes u act 2 much like a gross human. B here in 1 hr and we can finish the plan

**Shut_me_up_luv:** deeeeeaaaaal

_ [ _ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _ has signed off.] _

_ [ _ **_I_am_sane:_ ** _ has logged on.] _

**I_am_sane:** ur on early Tay!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** lol yeah trying 2 get a head start on my homework n stuff

**I_am_sane:** cool well glad i caught u! have u noticed that zim has been acting weird lately?

**Shut_me_up_luv:** what do u mean?

**I_am_sane:** idk he’s just been rly quiet. i think he’s up 2 sumthing

**Shut_me_up_luv:** hmmm maybe

**I_am_sane:** will u let me kno if u hear anything?

**Shut_me_up_luv:** sure! nd u will do the same?

**I_am_sane:** of course!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** mmkay awesome. well sry 2 leave so soon but my mom just called me 2 come 2 dinner. so g2g ttyl!

**I_am_sane:** ttyl

_ [ _ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _ has signed off.] _

-*-

Within the hour, Zim had a knock on his door. Tay and Ted were already walking in as he backed up to make room. “Okay Zim, I’ve been patient, but I really want to know what the deal with this plan is and when we’re going to execute it?”

“Relax! Gir and I have made the final adjustments on the conversion machine, so now we simply need to get into as many Earth banks as possible undetected and train the machine on the monies. They will turn to Poop candies before our superior eyes!”

“Yeah. About that…” Tay still overall hated this plan, and the more Zim spoke, the more she doubted they’d be able to pull this off. “Do you know how hard it is to break into a bank? Humans guard their monies really well. We can’t just waltz in with Irken equipment without raising all sorts of suspicions.”

“Don’t be silly! We can do this no problem! I have devised a more ingenious disguise for myself and Gir. GIR! Fetch the disguise!”

“WHEEE BE RIGHT THERE!” Gir shouted from an unknown area of the house.

“As for you Tay, can’t you change your disguise to be that of a bank drone or something?”

Tay considered that, and it wasn’t necessarily a bad idea. “Yeah, I guess I could probably do that.”

“EXCELLENT! We will strike tomorrow after skool.”

“So during operating hours. Okay, sure.”

Tay watched as Gir appeared carrying this massive, clunky, robotic costume. It looked like a fat human in a suit with orange skin and yellow hair. “THE DISGUISE IS HERE!”

“YES! I told you it was ingenious, yes?”

Tay winced at the very obviously not-human “disguise.” She wasn’t even sure that this could be considered a step up from Zim’s usual attire. “Ummm… Yes.”

Zim couldn’t handle all of the flattery, and was smiling like an idiot. “I know it!”

“So what’s your role going to be in all of this? Do you want to maybe talk to someone about opening a bank account to distract the bankers while I convert the monies?”

Zim thought about this. “Well, I was hoping to be the one pushing the buttons, but you may be onto something here. If you can turn yourself into one of the bank drones, you can probably achieve a higher clearance than me. So sure, let’s try that.”

Tay was relieved that he was at least open to some feedback on how to make this plan not suck. She smiled back at him. “Great. Then it’s settled.”

“Walk home with Dib after skool tomorrow so he does not grow suspicious, then meet me at the corner by New York’s Big Bank. We will start there.”

Tay nodded. “Ted and I will be there. Ted, I will call for you once Dib and I have parted ways tomorrow. There’s a chance we might need your help with this plan.”

“Yes my master!” Ted saluted.

“I just hope this works.” Tay sighed.

“Rest assured my simple, skeptical, Tay. It  _ will _ work.”

-

“That quiz was just awful, don’t you think?” Dib and Tay were walking home together like usual.

“Well, maybe if you’d done the homework instead of obsessing over Zim, you would’ve gotten a better grade.” Tay teased.

“A stupid quiz isn’t going to save mankind! This is important work Tay.”

“I know, I know, I’m just messing with you. I think you’re doing a great thing here.”

“Well, thanks.”

“So, did you ever find out what his evil plan of the week was?”

Dib shook his head. “No. I just know something’s up though. It has to be. He’s never this quiet, but usually I’m able to figure it out by now.”

Tay shrugged. “Well I’ve got nothing.”

“What if…” Dib’s eyes lit up and he came to a dramatic stop in the middle of their path. “I’ve got it! I’ll just go scope out his base right now until I can gather some evidence!”

Despite knowing that there was a good chance Dib and Zim would just miss each other, this made her a bit uneasy. “So what, you’ll just like, stand outside his house?”

“Or slip in through an unlocked window! Who knows?”

“What if he’s not home?”

“Then I’ll hunt him down and find him! Hopefully it won’t be too hard!”

Tay didn’t really know what else to say. “Okay. Good plan.”

“Do you want to come with me?” Dib’s eyes had an intensity to them that Tay had never seen before as they stared into hers. It brought back that warm feeling in her cheeks she’d felt the last time he said nice things to her and had hugged her.

“Umm… I’d really like to, but unfortunately my parents said that I have to come straight home after skool today. Sorry.” Other kids in their class always blamed things on their parents, so that seemed like a pretty normal response.

“Oh. That’s okay, there’s always next time.”

Tay gave him an encouraging smile. “Yeah! Well good luck! I hope you find what you’re looking for and save humankind once again!”

“Thank you, Tay! I’ll give it my all!” With that, Dib ran off toward Zim’s base.

Once Dib was out of sight, Tay used her PAK to call Zim. He answered quickly.

“What is it, Tay? Are you on your way to the meeting point?”

“Almost, but I’m calling to warn you. Dib’s on his way to your base right now. He’s suspicious and plans to stake out the area or possibly even break in to find what he’s looking for. I don’t think you two will cross each other, but please be careful. Don’t let him see you or we’re done for.”

“Ugh, stupid, meddling Dib! Didn’t you try to stop him?”

“Sort of, but I didn’t want to increase his suspicion… So ultimately I told him it was a good plan?”

Zim smacked his forehead with the palm of his gloved hand. “I swear, this pandering to Dib is exhausting.”

Tay shrugged. “It’s either that or we lose access to his intel. Or worse, I blow my cover.”

Unfortunately, Zim couldn’t argue with that, but part of him especially despised seeing or hearing about Tay spending time with Dib. He knew it was for the greater good of the mission though, and resigned himself to that fact. “Fine. Well then I will sneak out of my emergency exit and try to hurry. Thank you for the warning.” Annoyance faded slowly from Zim’s features, and he actually gave her a small smile of gratitude.

“Anytime. Now, let me call Ted next and we will see you soon. Remember, be careful!” As soon as Zim grunted in acknowledgement, Tay hung up and called for Ted.

-

Tay leaned against the wall of a building across the street from New York’s Big Bank, Ted’s leash in one hand, eyes constantly scanning the busy streets. She tapped her foot impatiently. How long had she been standing there? Zim had to be over an hour late. The bank would be closing soon, and their mission would be a failure before it even had a true shot to fail on its own merit.

Tay called Zim a fifth time. This time, he actually picked up. “Zim! Where have you been? Why haven’t you answered-”

Zim cut her off. “Shh! We don’t have much time. I’ve been captured by Dib for ‘interrogation’ so that he could find out our plan. I need you to come help me. He has me at his house.”

Tay couldn’t believe him. He had  _ one job _ . She had even warned him that Dib was onto them! How did he still manage to get himself caught? “Zim, how do you expect me to pull this off? If I show up at Dib’s house to set you free, he will know something is up.”

“Just change your disguise!”

“Do humans often let random strangers into their houses?” She asked.

“Well, I guess not  _ most _ humans, but maybe-”

“Zim, are you really telling me that you, a  _ mighty _ Irken Invader, seriously can’t handle one little human?” Tay teased. As annoyed as she was, she definitely couldn’t ignore the humor in the situation.

“Just please figure something out and get me out of here! It smells like human, and he’s got me in this metal cage-thing.”

“Fine, but only because you said ‘please.’” Tay smirked. “I guess I don’t have anything else to do now, so sure I’ll come help you out.”

“Hurry!” Tay heard Dib’s voice in the background, followed by footsteps coming closer. “Gotta go. I’m counting on you.” He promptly shut off communication.

“What an idiot.” Tay chuckled to Ted. “Come on, let’s go rescue our dog from his cage.”

The entire way to Dib’s, Tay wrestled with what would be the best course of action for infiltrating and finding Zim. Should she disguise as someone else? If so, who would Dib open the door for?

What about his sister, Gaz?

When Tay was only two blocks away, she ducked behind a house with Ted. Using her PAK, she changed from her regular disguise, to one that was identical to Gaz. She now had her hair, facial structure, clothes, all of it. But could she pull off Gaz’s attitude?”

“Psh, loser.” Tay practiced. She had to drop her voice a few octaves to really sound like her. She looked to Ted for approval.

He shrugged in response. “It is passable.”

Tay tried to continue with her new voice in hopes of improving. “But what if she’s home or I run into her? This is so risky.”

“I will remain nearby for backup in case I am needed.” Ted stated.

“Thank you, Ted. Let’s see how this goes.”

When Tay approached the door, she tried the handle first. To her surprise, it clicked right open, completely unlocked. She figured it would make the most sense to just walk in if possible, since this was “her house.”

She had never been inside Dib’s house before. The initial floor wasn’t that big. The kitchen and living room occupied most of it. Tay squinted. She saw a light on in the kitchen and proceeded with caution, keeping her eyes nearly shut the entire time, which felt unnatural.

Dib’s scientist father was in the kitchen, prodding at a toaster. Maybe he would know where Dib was?

Tay remembered her voice again before speaking. “Hey Dad, have you seen Dib?”

The professor turned to her. “Ah, my sweet Gaz! Your brother is downstairs in the lab playing with his little foreign friend! Do you need him for something?”

“Just wanted to tell him to stay out of my room while I play the newest Game Slave.” Tay replied. Yeah, that sounded like something Gaz would say.

The professor laughed. “Yes, yes, very well. Have fun with your video games!” He turned back to his toaster and Tay was gone. She couldn’t quite ask where the lab was, so she’d have to find it herself.

She stepped into a hallway with several photos of young Dib and Gaz on the wall. Baby photos, photos of them as young children, graduation photos from a middle skool. Tay had to admit, the two of them had been adorable in the years before she’d met them. At the end of the hallway, Tay found a staircase that led to a lower level of the house. Was that the lab?

As she descended down the stairs, she could hear Zim and Dib shouting at each other, the occasional obscenity thrown in.

“What are you up to, Zim? Huh? Huh? What are you hiding?”

“I’m hiding a shrink ray so that you’ll always have a big head!” Zim spat back.

“My head. Is not. BIG!” Dib wailed, and then suddenly Mindless Self Indulgence was cranked up to a volume that made the entire room vibrate. Zim’s screams could still be heard over the music though.

_ ‘Ooh, he’s playing “Animal!”’ _ Tay thought. She had to remind herself that Gaz hated this band’s music though, so she could not be caught bopping along.

“MAKE IT STOP!” Zim screeched during the rapping part.

“NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU WERE GOING IN THAT ROBOT SUIT!” Tay could see the terrible disguise in question off in a corner, a hulking metal heap on the floor.

“NEVER! MY ACTIONS DO NOT PERTAIN TO YOU!”

“THEY DO WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO DESTROY MY PLANET! NOW TELL ME!”

“NO!”

“YES!”

“NO!”

Dib turned up the music even louder. The song changed to “Issues.” Tay was trying so hard not to start dancing. This one had such a catchy beat. Zim continued to scream. Poor Zim. It was probably time to help him, but she let the song finish before announcing herself. “Dib, don’t you think you’ve tortured Zim enough? That music mixed with his screams makes my brain hurt.”

Dib didn’t bother adjusting the volume. “I got him Gaz! I’ve finally got him!”

Tay clenched her fist menacingly. “TURN IT OFF!”

“Okay, okay fine.” Dib clicked the music off.

Zim uttered a rather dramatic sigh of relief. “Fools! Now let me go!”

“Nuh-uh.” Dib jumped away from the cage. “I’m not letting you doom us all. Boy, I can’t wait to tell Tay that I foiled your plan! I still don’t know  _ what _ your plan is, but I definitely stopped it, that’s for sure! In fact, I’m going to go see if Tay’s online right now! She’s going to be so impressed!” Dib nearly knocked Tay over as he pushed past her, up the stairs.

Zim eyed Tay curiously. She didn’t move until Dib was all the way up the stairs. Part of her was worried that Dib would run into the real Gaz upstairs, so she should probably act fast.

After about a minute or so, Tay approached the cage, gently nudging it with her foot.

“What do  _ you _ want, little Gaz?” There was a note of sarcasm in Zim’s voice.

He looked so helpless locked up like that. It was almost satisfying to know that he’d had to plead for her help, since usually he was so arrogant and acted like he had all the answers.

“How do I unlock this thing?”

Zim’s eyes grew wide. “Huh?”

“It’s me, Tay. Now quick, tell me how to unlock this thing before Dib comes back or realizes I’m not his sister.”

“There’s a button over there.” Zim pointed to a wall on the opposite side of the lab. Tay walked over and pushed it, instantly releasing Zim from Dib’s prison. “Thanks!”

“No problem.” Tay smiled at her accomplice. “Now let’s sneak out before Dib comes back.”

Zim used his PAK legs to scurry up the stairs. Before reaching the top, he scooped up Tay and brought her to the ceiling with him without any warning. Tay felt that weird heat in her face again. She had no idea that Zim was so strong for his size.

Neither of them made a peep as they crawled across the top of Dib’s living room. Dib was nowhere to be found, probably using a computer in his bedroom.

Gaz, however, was sitting on the couch watching television. At one point, Tay was pretty sure that she saw them, but she didn’t care enough to say anything. They were almost to the front door when Dib wandered into the living room.

“She wasn’t online.” He told Gaz, very dejected-sounding as he plopped down next to her on the couch.

“Who?” Gaz never took her eyes off the TV.

“Tay. I wanted to tell her about Zim, but she’s not online yet. I guess I can tell her at skool tomorrow.” Dib sighed.

“Do I even want to know?” Gaz shook her head.

“I thought you already knew?” Dib eyed her suspiciously. “I showed you how I caught Zim in Dad’s lab downstairs.”

“Not even once.” Gaz changed the channel, not bothering to look at Dib who was still sitting beside her.

Dib forced out a laugh. “Very funny, Gaz. You were right there.”

“No, but keep saying that and see where it gets you.” She threatened her brother with a fist.

“Keep going.” Tay whispered to Zim, who was quietly scrambling toward the front door.

Dib took it upon himself to run back in the direction of the lab. Zim and Tay took their opportunity to escape out the front door. Zim scaled the house and headed back to his base from the backside of Dib’s house. Tay called Ted along the way to keep him informed. Zim was still holding onto her, but she didn’t really mind. Being so close in proximity to the other, less competent Irken wasn’t the worst thing in the universe. “So, are you going to keep carrying me back to your base?” She finally asked.

Zim seemed startled by her words, as if he’d forgotten that she was even there. “Um, I mean if you want to we can discuss what occurred and rethink our strategy to create a new plan.” His green cheeks turned a slight shade of pink.

“Sure. That sounds like a good plan.” Tay smiled, completely at ease as he continued to carry her back to his base. She glanced up at his black wig, thinking about the Irken antennae that hid underneath. Sure Zim sucked at scheming, but there was something that she couldn’t help admire about his cockiness and tenacity. These were true traits of an Irken Invader, and she definitely looked forward to their continued partnership, especially if she got to be the hero that would save him every so often, forcing him to be grateful and in debt to her.

Everything would work out in the end.


	6. Projected Enslavement Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tay, Dib, and Zim are all forced to work on a group project together. Zim and Tay see an opportunity that could benefit the mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry this chapter took so long, I'm working on a lot of writing projects right now. I honestly wish that a group project would've been an episode in the show, I think that would've been neat. I'm also not sure if I mentioned this, but Dib is in high school in this fic (but Ms. Bitters is just always his teacher). I figured I should establish that he's older because of the romance that will occur later. Enjoy!

“Class, today you’ll be assigned partners for a group project. You will work together to create a machine that helps with a household chore.”

“Eh… Wha-? You’re telling me that I’ll have to work with one of these pigsmellies on a skool project?”

Ms. Bitters glared at Zim in response to his outburst. “Yes. On your own time outside of class. That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”

Zim looked horrified by this. Tay chuckled quietly to herself. “Ms. Bitters,” she asked, “do we get to choose our partners for this project?”

Dib glanced at Tay hopefully.

“No. I will choose your partners at random.” Ms. Bitters reached into a jar, pulling out the first two names. “Zita, you will be paired with Melvin.”

Tay looked at Zim, who she could tell was anxious about having to work with a random human. She really hoped that Ms. Bitters would call their names together so that he could be her partner. It would give them an excuse to spend time together in public without raising suspicions, and they could easily use their access to superior Irken technology to put together a project that would impress all of their classmates, and maybe even aid them in the mission…

“Tay! You will be with Dib.”

“Yes!” Dib cheered quietly.

Tay acknowledged him with a friendly smile, but couldn’t help feel a bit disappointed about not working with Zim.

Zim was looking back at her and Dib now, an expression of unease on his green face. “Sorry.” She mouthed back, shrugging.

She watched the other Irken glare daggers at Dib, and shook her head at him to drop it before Dib saw. There could be no connection visible between them. In Tay’s everyday human life, it wouldn’t make sense for Zim to be angry at Dib for getting partnered with her, because Zim was the “enemy.”

Ms. Bitters called a few more names before she announced that she was finished. “Alright that’s everyone. Now that you have your partners, you can take the next ten minutes to confer with them.”

Tay realized that she had not called Zim’s name. He looked relieved, sitting alone at his desk at the front of the class. Lucky him.

Tay wasn’t the only one who noticed though. “What about Zim?” Dib blurted out.

“Didn’t you hear? Ms. Bitters called me just like everybody else!” Zim faked a smile.

“Hmm.” Ms. Bitters grunted, rifling through the pieces of paper that now littered her desk. “Your paper must’ve gotten stuck to another student’s.”

“No need to worry about Zim! I can already see that everyone else has a partner. That’s okay, I guess I’ll just have to work alone.”

“That’s not fair!” Dib cried out.

“Dib, since you’re so worried about Zim working alone, he can join your group then.”

“Wait, what? No! I don’t want the alien in our group!”

“Knock it off, crazy!” Zita threw a pencil at Dib from across the room. It hit him in the side of the head.

“It won’t be so bad.” Tay whispered, trying to hide her excitement at the situation.

“Yes it will.” Dib sighed.

“Come on, let’s go figure out what we’re doing.” Tay dragged Dib over to Zim’s desk by the hand.

Zim was not pleased with Dib’s presence. “Dib, thanks to you we now have to  _ collaborate _ on this stupid chore project.” He spat.

“You think I’m happy about this?”

“We’re not working at my house.” Zim stated.

“You mean your  _ alien base _ ?” Dib pressed.

“Call it what you want, you’re not setting foot in my base.” Zim crossed his arms, propping his feet up on his desk.

“Fine. Tay, what about your house?”

Tay paused. Neither boy had seen her house yet, but she worried about having to human-proof it for Dib. What if she missed a minute detail and he found her out? Then he’d be trying to get her on an autopsy table just like Zim. “Um… My parents actually don’t really like when I have people over. They’re weird about that kind of stuff.”

“Oh, okay then.” Dib awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck with one hand.

“So I guess that means your house?” Tay asked Dib.

“Uhhhh…”

“I’ve seen your inferior base before Dib, it’s nothing out of the ordinary to me.” Zim teased. “If we  _ have _ to work on this somewhere outside of class, it sounds like your sorry excuse for a house is our only option.”

“Ugh, fine I guess! My dad’s lab does have some cool stuff we can use to get an A.” Dib grunted.

“Yay! Thank you Dib! So do we want to meet after skool today?”

“Sure. Zim, are you free after skool today, or will we be interfering with your plans to take over Earth?”

“No, I can put those off until tomorrow. I’ll clear my schedule just for you.” Zim smirked sarcastically at Dib.

Dib clenched a fist. “Lucky me I guess.”

-

“I bet he’s got something up his sleeve!” Dib complained. The bell rang and he was on his way out of class with Tay.

“You always say that.” Tay playfully rolled her eyes.

“Well if he doesn’t already have something, then I know he’s going to find some way to sabotage our project!”

“Or maybe Zim will play nice so we can all get a good grade and part ways amicably. You never know!” She giggled.

“Psh, doubt it.” Now Dib rolled his eyes.

Tay found it hilarious how Dib and Zim were so averse to working together. “Hey Zim!” She called out.

The Irken was already yards ahead of them down the hallway. He stopped. “What?” He called back.

“Wanna walk to Dib’s house with us?” Dib gasped, trying to shush her and pull her away in the opposite direction from Zim.

“Hmm… Not particularly, no.”

“Please?”

“Tay, he already said no, just drop it.”

“The sooner we all get there, the sooner it’s over!” Tay winked.

“Eh, you have a point there, Tay. Alright, then I will walk with both of you!” Zim announced. Dib face palmed and did his best to distance himself from Zim, which put Tay in the middle of the two.

“Cool! So tell us Zim, what kind of music do you listen to? Dib and I are really into Mindless Self Indulgence.”  _ ‘As you already know.’ _

Zim shrugged. “Music isn’t really my thing.”

“Oh come on, everybody’s gotta have some kind of music that they like! I bet we can help you discover it, right Dib?”

“He probably only listens to alien music.” Dib mumbled.

“Well if you’re not an MSI fan, there are plenty of other bands you might like instead! All we have to do is look them up on Dib’s computer, come on!” Tay grabbed both of their hands and yanked them forward, gleefully leading the way to Dib’s house. Dib cursed under his breath, while Zim let out a surprised yelp.

“Do you think you’d like something upbeat or slow?” Tay asked Zim. She sat at Dib’s computer, search engine ready, while both boys sat in chairs on either side of her.

“Well, Gir listens to some kind of ‘upbeat’ stuff, and sometimes it’s kind of nice.”

“So then why don’t you like MSI?”

“It’s just so repetitive and annoying, and  _ squeaky _ sounding!” Zim cringed at the thought of listening to them again.

“Okay, okay, fine. What about something with heavier guitar and drums and stuff? Not so squeaky?”

“Maybe he’d like Hawthorne Heights?” Dib chimed in.

“Let’s look them up.” Tay typed the name into the search bar, and played a song at random. Zim looked unimpressed, but not in pain either. “Well?” She asked.

“They’re… Okay?” She could see that the Irken was listening intently, mulling over each word. The music wasn’t exactly upbeat, but it wasn’t squeaky either.

“Well cool! Nice recommendation, Dib!”

“Um, thanks.” Dib still didn’t seem comfortable with Zim’s presence in his room, but Tay thought that he was loosening up just a tiny bit.

“Do you have another one for him? Maybe something less sad?”

“Breathe Carolina is pretty cool.” Dib shrugged.

“On it!” Tay started playing a song called “I Have to Go Return Some Video Tapes.” She actually caught Zim tapping his foot. “You like it?”

“They’re talking about murder and executions, of course I like it!” Zim grinned.

This seemed to rekindle some discomfort in Dib. “Well hey, instead of talking about killing people, why don’t we start on the project now?”

“Okay.” Tay turned off the music. “So, anyone got any ideas?”

Both boys shrugged. “I’ve never really cleaned.” Dib muttered.

“And I… don’t trust a robot to do all my cleaning.” Zim crossed his arms.

“Awesome.” Tay sighed.

“I’ve got it!” Dib shot up from his chair.

“Yeah?”

“What about a virtual reality cleaning game that makes you clean in real life?”

Zim and Tay stared blankly at Dib. “That’s stupid.” Zim finally said.

“It’s not great. How is that any different from just regular cleaning?” Tay asked.

Dib sank back into his chair. “Well that’s all I’ve got, sorry.”

The three sat in silence for several minutes, until Tay was the first to break it. “Excuse me for a minute.” She got up and went to another room, dialing Ted on the way.

“Yes, my master? How can I be of service?”

“Ted, which household chore do humans complain about the most? Can you look up this data for me?”

“Yes. Searching, searching!” There was silence for a few moments as Ted gathered information. Finally, he had an answer. “Wiping baseboards.”

“Excellent, thank you, Ted.” Tay hung up and went back to the group. “Hey guys, what about a machine that wipes down the baseboards?”

“That’s a great idea!” Dib exclaimed. “What if we got it to play music too? To make chores less boring?”

“Ooh, I like it!” Tay squealed. “Zim? What do you think?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

“Sweet, we’re so getting an A on this project!” Tay squealed. “Imagine if we sold these to people everywhere?”

Zim froze, eyes growing wide. “I’ll handle the music.”

“Wow, really?” Tay’s eyes lit up as his newfound enthusiasm.

Dib narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Wait a minute, up until a few minutes ago, you didn’t even care about Earth music. What’s up?”

“You both have shown me the way. Now I can’t wait to share my new passion with the rest of our classmates, and possibly all of Earth!” Zim beamed. He attempted a wink at Tay, but it came out more like an eye spasm.

“I don’t know…”

“Dib, he likes music now! Let’s let him do it!”

“Er- fine?”

“Okay! So now that we’ve got that sorted, how about we go down to your dad’s lab and start building the robot?” Tay suggested.

“How much do you know about building robots?” Dib asked her.

Tay shrugged. “Can’t be too hard, right?”

“Believe me, it’s easy.” Zim said, half bragging.

“Well great! Maybe we can knock most of this out tonight then!” Tay said. “Lead the way, Dib!”

After several hours of working in Professor Membrane’s lab, the robot was nearly finished.

“Wow, Tay, you’re really good at this! And you’ve never built a robot before?” Dib asked.

“Not really, no. I did have some friends at my old skool that were really into technology though, so I guess you could say I grew up around it.”

“You’re so much cooler than I thought, and I already thought you were really cool!” Dib exclaimed.

“Ha, thanks.” Tay smiled.

Zim frowned as he tightened a few bolts. “Like I said Dib, building robots is  _ easy _ .”

“Anyways, it’s getting late.” Dib pointed out. He was right, it was nearly eleven at night. They’d been so absorbed in their work, that they hadn’t noticed the time. Tay enjoyed their work session. Zim and Dib only called each other a few names, and overall it had been quite productive. She’d definitely had fun working closely with both of them, and she thought that maybe even they’d had some fun too, geeking out over techy stuff and trying to outdo each other. “Should we get going? We’re so close to finishing though.”

“Well, it is really late, and Zim said he’d take care of the music anyway, so maybe he can take it home and finish it then? We still have a week before this thing is due, so now we’re just really really ahead.”

“Yes, allow me to take it home and finish it up. Our project will be GLORIOUS!” Zim announced.

“I still don’t like the idea of him tampering with it alone.” Dib whispered to Tay while Zim was grinning to himself.

“What do you think he’s going to do? Put lasers in it?”

“That’s exactly the kind of thing he’d do!”

“If you’re so worried about it, tell him you want to inspect it before we turn it in.”

“Fine! Zim! I want to inspect the project once you finish it, before we turn it in.”

“What, you don’t trust Zim?” the Irken asked, his grin looking more and more evil by the second.

“Why would I trust you! Just let us take a look once you’re done, to make sure you don’t rig it to do something evil.”

Zim pondered this. “Fine, human. I will bring the bot here to your dwelling and we can look at it together, that way you’ll see that it will be perfectly normal.”

Dib narrowed his eyes at Zim. “Deal.”

“Alright, well I sure am tired now! Which way are you walking Zim?”

Zim pointed with one hand as he gathered up the robot in the other arm.

“Cool, me too! Well, let’s go then. Bye Dib, see you in skool tomorrow!”

Dib was visibly panicked at the idea of Tay walking alone with Zim, at night. “Don’t let him steal your brain or launch you into the sun!” Dib cried out as they headed up the stairs.

Tay laughed. “Don’t worry, Dib. I’ll be okay!”

Once they were out the door and down the street, Tay looked at Zim quizzically. “Okay, so you’re suddenly interested in Earth music now? Really, what gives?”

Zim let out the evil laugh he’d been holding in all night. “I have the most brilliant idea for how we can use our robot to take over Earth. Remember that awful song that Dib told you to listen to when you were in my base?”

“‘Backmask?’ Yeah what about it- wait, I think I know where you’re going with this. You want to try and hypnotize the humans with backmasked lyrics, don’t you?”

“Genius, right?”

Tay gave the idea some thought. “If you do it right, then there’s a chance it could work. Make sure you put some regular music in there for Dib though, since he wants to check your work and all.”

“Right. I’m sure you know of some good instrument noise that we can program into it.”

That made Tay smile. “You know I do. Just let me know when to come over, and I’ll be happy to help.”

Zim gave a small smile in return. “Okay, thank you.”

“Anything for the mission. If you want, we can finish working on it tonight?”

Zim shrugged. “Yeah, okay. It’s not like we sleep anyway.”

Tay giggled. “So true.”

-

Dib waited two days before bringing it up again. Zim was sitting alone at lunch, and Dib made his way over to him. Tay followed, and plopped down next to the Irken. Dib sat across from them. “How’s the robot coming, Zim?”

“It’s done, ready to pass your joke of an inspection and all. I can bring it over today if it so pleases you.” He replied smugly.

“Great, I look forward to bursting your evil bubble.” Dib smirked.

“There may or may not be an evil bubble, I’m pretty sure that Zim knows not to jeopardize our grades.”

“I’m sure he would just  _ love _ to ruin my grade.” Dib spat, taking a sip of his drink.

“Well Tay has done nothing wrong, even if she does hang out with your smelly self.” Zim locked eyes with the other boy. “Why would I mess with her marks?”

Dib sighed. “Just bring the stupid robot over today, and hopefully we can be done with this whole thing.”

“Sure.” Zim shoved a handful of chips into his mouth, his eyes never leaving Dib.

“Well Earth monkey, what do you think?” Zim stood with arms crossed, staring Dib down expectantly.

Tay watched as Dib prodded the bot, flipping switches, pushing buttons, opening compartments, the works. He allowed the bot to get up, and it produced a rag before wiping down the nearest baseboard.

“Okay, so far, so good I guess. So you added the music?”

Zim nodded. “Top red button.”

Dib followed the robot and pushed the button in question. Breathe Carolina started playing. “I would’ve chosen that band you and Tay like, but a lot of their music has vulgar language. I don’t think Ms. Bitters would pass us with that.”

“Good thinking?” Dib was at a loss for words. He couldn’t find a thing wrong with the project, much to Tay’s glee.

“See, I told you it’d all be fine! You two can go back to destroying each other after we get our A!”

“Umm… Good work Zim.” Dib coughed weakly.

Zim grunted in response. “See? What did I tell you?”

“Uh, would it be okay if I held onto the project until we present? Just to make sure you weren’t planning to sabotage it later.”

“By all means. Just don’t forget to bring it on the day it’s due.” Zim replied.

“Yeah,  _ please _ don’t.” Tay chimed in.

Dib relaxed at that, now that he knew he could keep the project safe. “Psh, I won’t!”

“Great! Glad that’s all settled then. Good work everyone!” Tay gave two thumbs up, and Zim was already on his way out the door.

-*-

_ [ _ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _ has logged on.] _

**Shut_me_up_luv:** hi Zim!

**Screwaliensnsht:** look who it is

**Geekinthepink122:** hey

**Shut_me_up_luv:** whatcha up 2

**Geekinthepink122:** nm gir was annoying me so i had to get away from him. play any good games lately gaz?

**Screwaliensnsht:** eh sorta. waiting 4 sum new sht 2 come out

**Geekinthepink122:** cool cool

**Geekinthepink122:** where is dib

**Screwaliensnsht:** tay’s boyfriend is off watching his dumb paranormal show

**Shut_me_up_luv:** -.- still not my boyfriend

**Screwaliensnsht:** wutever

**Geekinthepink122:** anyways tay, i went ahead nd built more bots like our project

**Shut_me_up_luv:** u did??? NICE. so u mean, exactly like our project? music nd all?

**Geekinthepink122:** yes it is all the same

_ [ _ **_Screwaliensnsht_ ** _ has signed off.] _

**Shut_me_up_luv:** sweet. so now what?

**Geekinthepink122:** i want 2 leave them in random stores and offices

**Shut_me_up_luv:** i think that’s actually a rly good idea :)

**Geekinthepink122:** yup! i can go in2 space and launch them all over earth!

**Shut_me_up_luv:** great! wait until after we present tho so Dib doesn’t get suspicious

**Geekinthepink122:** ok

**Shut_me_up_luv:** thx! c u 2morrow!

_ [ _ **_Shut_me_up_luv_ ** _ has signed off.] _

_ [ _ **_Geekinthepink122_ ** _ has signed off.] _


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